The Practice of Learning how to Love (Well).

• What does it mean to love? Love well?

• How would you define the concept and experience of love?

At times along this journey, we may ponder what this walk through humanhood is about. And though there may be aspects of our lives that are seemingly imbued with greater significance, it all boils down to this ambiguous, oft-intangible, difficult-to-articulate experience.

I believe we, humans, are here to learn about love.

A quick search of song titles will demonstrate this truth: 1, 420, 000, 000 results in .70 seconds, so says Google.

‘Love Story’.

‘I Want to Know What Love Is’.

‘Endless Love’.

‘Crazy in Love’.

‘Bleeding Love.’

‘As long as you Love Me’.

‘Love me Tender’.

The list goes on and on and on.

It’s a popular topic. And, seemingly, a fundamental aspect of the human experience.

After all, as the Beatles emphasized: ‘All we need is love’.

All we need (apparently) is love;

Yet, what do we know about it?

This isn’t anything we are explicitly taught about in the formal education system. We don’t often hear of it being investigated, researched, and dissected in world of academia. One space this concept is explore is through the realm of spirituality. Often faith-based communities will suggest the significance of living a life rooted in love.

1 Corinthians 13, a popular Biblical scripture recited during wedding ceremonies describes love as kind, patient, truthful, protective, trustworthy, hopeful, and persevering.

It is not, as the scripture describes, envious, boastful, proud, dishonouring, self-seeking, easily angered, resentful (‘keeps no record of wrongs’), or evil.

Have you learned the importance of kindness, patience, truth, protection, trustworthiness, hope, and perseverance?

How have you learned these things?

Have you experienced the impact of envy, boasting, pride, dishonouring, selfishness, anger, resentment, and evil during your walk through this life?

And perhaps the most important question of all:

Have these experiences encouraged you to live a life more (or less) anchored in love?

Greek philosophy speaks of different types of love: eros, agape, philia, mania, ludus, pragma, storge, & philautia.

Eros (sexual passion), agape (love for everyone), philia (deep friendship), and mania (obsessive love) are types of love Western culture tends to understand, and perhaps even exploit.

The names of other types of love may not be as familiar, though likely you have experienced some expression of these: ludus (playful love), pragma (longstanding love), and storge (family love).

Perhaps the one form of love that is fundamental to the rest is what is known of philautia: the love of (and for) the self.

Not narcissism. Not selfishness nor greed. But the true and pure concept of self-love.

Two biblical verses that suggest the necessity of loving oneself well are:

‘You shall love your neighbour as yourself’

(Matthew 22:37-40)

‘Remember this, whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly.

And whoever sows generously will also reap generously’

(2 Cor. 9:6)

When individuals love themselves well, they are then both reap the bounty of all they sow. This abundance better provides the sustenance to offer deep love to others.

The expression of philautia love is not often well understood, nor well practiced, in Western culture. Spoiler Alert: It goes well beyond a mani and a bubble bath.

After over forty years walking in this skin-suit and after writing an entire thesis on the critically important practice of self-care (specifically spiritual self-care), I can say with both confidence and humility, this is an area I still have a lot to learn about. I know more about why it is important to love myself well than I have ever in the past; yet, I continue to evolve in my understanding of how to practice self-love in ways that are nourishing and restorative. It’s a messy process. And it’s very personal. What works for me perhaps won’t work for you. Hence, no one can learn to walk the path in this particular way for you. In a world that so often looks outside for answers, the keys to this realm are found from within.

I have found that the Enneagram framework not only offers insights into how to find these keys within ourselves, but it also offers a larger frame of reference for how we can uniquely grow a multifaceted, robust skillset that ultimately guides our ability to walk through the world in love-imbued ways. When we learn how to walk with moral integrity, generosity, mindful action, creativity, contemplation, strategy, innovation, justice-orientated leadership, and mediation ability, we are more equipped to live a life anchored in and navigated by love.

Though these lessons in how to love well are often hard-earned and sometimes painful, our experiences offer insights into the ways we can choose to evolve.

How do you how yourself love?

In what ways do you offer yourself kindness, patience, truth, protection, trust, hope, and perseverance?

What are you learning about how to love yourself well?